Who Can You Trust?

It’s bothering me, this question, and I feel it shouldn’t.

Eye, Couple, Love, Betrayal, DesireTo explain why, I need to touch on some very personal stories.

When I was a student, I thought I had a boyfriend.  To all intents and purposes, I did.  He was a fellow student, but older than me and far wealthier.  We had a great time together and the relationship lasted two years.  He was in hall during the week, but each weekend went off, as I understood it, to visit his elderly mother.  Just before our final exams, he told me that in fact he had another girlfriend, whom he’d been living with at the weekends.  Now she was pregnant and he’d decided he would marry her.  He told me not to worry, as he was quite prepared to buy me a flat in North London and keep me as his mistress.  He actually seemed quite shocked when I told him where to stick his flat and stormed off.

Fast forward many years to the day I walked into a room of the home I shared with my husband of 30 years and found him on the phone to his lover, planning their next meeting.  I’d had not the remotest idea that this was happening under my nose.

In both cases, it wasn’t the betrayal that upset me as much as the ease with which my partners had led this double life and consistently and adeptly lied to me.  They both apologised and said they knew it was ‘wrong’, but that didn’t help.

I was chatting this through recently with a relative who had had a similar experience.

“I was at home with young children,” she said.  “I KNEW something was going on.  I found little notes in his pockets, but somehow he always managed to explain them away and make me feel bad for suspecting that he’d do such a thing.  He kept it up for two and a half years – a relationship with a woman at work.  They even planned a holiday together, with her feigning illness and having to be taken home from work by a colleague, while he was waiting at the love nest.  When it was finally discovered, he started trying to date his secretary instead.”

I’m not saying it is always men.  Another relative discovered that his girlfriend had been cheating on him for six months, while they shared and renovated their first home.

Now I’m watching another member of my family suffer similar torment.  For five years her partner has been caught up in a double life, lying and cheating and finally putting his family in mortal danger through his misdeeds.

Our stories are far from unique, I know.  Almost anyone reading this will know of, or have experienced similar horrors.  Some may even be living a double life, but somehow justifying it to themselves and feeling that it’s fine unless the partner finds out.

Despite all that, though, there are countless caring, trustworthy people in the world – people who, if they are no longer happy in a relationship, would have the courage to say so, rather than seeking solace elsewhere.

Because of my own beliefs, though, I’m not content to blame the erring partners.  I’m not even prepared to mutter the truism that no one is blameless in such a situation.

I believe we create our own lives.  I believe that events show up in them to teach us more about ourselves.  I believe that – at some level – my family and I invited these situations into our lives because, painful and heartbreaking as they are, they enable us to become stronger, wiser and more resilient.  They add to our Knowing.  Our experience adds to the Akasha which is all Knowing.

I still don’t know who to trust, so I keep very much to myself.

I still don’t know if trusting is something we should try to do.  We attempt to bind others to us with vows and promises, assurances and agreements, but such things are torn up and broken all the time.  We can’t hold and keep the love of another in our hands.

Perhaps we should just be our authentic selves at all times and trust Life/God/The Universe to help us to make our choices and move beyond such things.

I don’t know and, as I said, it’s bothering me.

Do you?

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8 comments on “Who Can You Trust?

  1. I look at life the same way you do, knowing there’s something going on at a deeper level. The lesson of trust is a big one; a huge one. I believe the lesson is one of the self: learning to trust ourself and our own judgment, our own inner authority. Going through painful experiences of trust and forgiving ourselves for not knowing what was going on right under our noses, is not easy. It’s funny that we often blame ourselves for not knowing something. And tend to hang onto it.

    Sounds like your daughter’s situation is bringing up your old pain and mistrust in resonance. I surmise that as her situation becomes more steady and you’re able to return home, your own emotions will abate. Be the light for her, showing her that she can make it through and move on.

    I believe wholeheartedly in your statement of being authentic and trusting Life/God/The Universe to help guide us. Trusting that when two options present themselves, our heart will guide the way. The connection to our own inner wisdom.

  2. I think we need to Trust that people change. I don’t think binding ourselves to another person is natural. Hence the strange behavior. Each individual a mirror for the infinite. How else could we learn?
    Also, We’re rooting for you! 🙂
    I do care, Promise!

    • Wish you’d go back to calling yourself a sage, because you truly are one!
      Your wisdom and insight never cease to amaze me.
      Thank you, too, for caring and and rooting! xx

  3. I think that that we are each born with a great capacity for feeling love, expressing love, and giving love. We cannot let relationships diminish that capacity within us. It is a gift from the Creator. We are love. As for me, I give as many chances as my heart can stand, then I move on as the situation warrants. As I heal, I leave the pain behind me. Loving is easy. Trusting .. now that’s something altogether different. At the same time, though, we cannot paint everyone with the same brush.

  4. Your advice to trust our authentic selves at all times and trust Life, God, the universe, to help us make our choices and move beyond such things as attempting to bind ourselves to others with vows, promises, assurances, and agreements sounds pretty good to me. Here’s hoping you won’t be bothered by this question for much longer. Bob

    • Thank you, dear friend. It’s very comforting to have wise people such as yourself to reflect my thoughts back to me and give me validation. Certainly that’s the only part of ‘trusting’ that feels right, though scary at times.
      It’s starting to bother me a little less now, mostly because of all the thoughtful responses I’ve had to this post.
      Jan

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